but i'm going to try for the kingdom if i can
this insomnia makes me cranky. achy. restless to the point of no return. exasperated, looking for any method to slow down my heartbeat, racetrack night-fall, i just want to sleep. eyes fall heavy on their base and my face feels swollen, my jaw clenched into a tightly wound spring, ready to snap, unpredictably at words expelled at just the wrong time, at being made to feel worthless, to re-write whatever i don't like to hear, verbatim, until strung clearly it sounds like a more acceptable, ameliorated melody, one tolerable to my over stimulated and under nurtured ears, back to the heartbeat, the racing, the potential to calm down
it feels like a rising in my throat, a desire to purge, or to gain something to keep the bile down. the incestuous insomniactic wandering, the need for something stable, yet wavering enough to hold my interest, strung light delicate beauty hanging on the rim on my windowsill, something simple. a buffer, to keep me in my perspective place, my words chosen more wisely, a counterpart, to offset intensity and add light-hearted even paced pleasant times, a winter, summer, improper weathered night
too much on my mind to be successful, so determined i turn the other direction. place this jaw ache into schoolwork, my goals whatever the hell that means. whatever those even are anymore. but i must pat myself on the back for the progress the How Far I've Come, a year to recover, to redeem and mend the torn esophagus-insanity, the strained trachea, too much damage. need to cleanse. at least i'm not smack in the middle of a melt down, at least i have enough to stand on my own two feet and make leveled decisions. like the tool sitting atop the wooden surface that is my life, my ever pressing existence, and watch the yellow water-mercury-esque droplet swish back and forth until i am centered, until the night has not yet parted and i can still see clearly, past the emptiness and into something standard yet whole, something to complete this late night contradiction muffled tragedy, something to live beside.
