the people i loved, the people i almost loved

day breaking

river rolling

i wish i was a morning person. i wish the alarm went off and i arose with ease. one dramatic stretch of the arms is all it would take to wake me. i love the way morning feels. the dew still remaining in the air from the mystery of night and its moist. its fresh. its something i normally sleep through.

i've been sick for a week. making me feel even more vulnerable and worn down than i do usually. i feel triple my age. the aching body of a 54 year old woman. as if i have experienced so much that every turn of the head hits my neck in the same place, as if i'm that old. where is the youth, i've felt this ache since i was 13. i never had a young feeling body. i've felt rickety for as long as i can remember.

i feel like im sitting in an empty bathtub and the water is filling up extremely slowly, one thin layer at a time and i'm cold and naked and the water is barely covering my ankles. and i have no idea why its filling so slowly and why i'm not warm. why the water won't just fill the basin and allow me to bathe. or vice versa, like im relaxing in a full perfect tub that suddenly begins to drain, slowly, and i can't stop the water from gradually seeping out, my energy, life force, the water, god only knows what it represents.

and i'm scattered, unsure of what i'm saying, unsure of what it is i want. depressed. monotonous. how every day manages to feel the same. sunrise. sunset. not quite sure what i'm searching for. what will fill this void. what is the void. i know i'm not going to find answers until i do some real looking. until i take few belongings on some kind of wild, self discovery journey. cliche. but i do need some time to know how i feel, my own personal answers to life un-answerable questions.

ah, i just wish i had faith in myself. isn't that where it always boils down to? that i will make it. that your promise will keep. that i will be taken care of. cradled from within. nursed back to childhood where my limbs feel connected effortlessly and the aching between my shoulder blades softens, my jawline, hard as a rock, returns to a relaxed, comfortable position. and i find you/it/the thing i need to not be such a wandering, loud, maniac. my own insanity. my own need for perfection. i'm turning into a swan. ok. maybe i'm not turning into a swan.

maybe it is all about human connection. a smile shared with a stranger. or strangers. i wonder why we can't have a story with everyone. there is no "one" for you. its the one you make right. the one out of thousands. i am all about second chances. trial and error. i will keep trying until i get this right. but why limit the possibilities. every match of the cosmos spectrum is a different make-up. every single possible human connection will spark a different outcome, one that i am entitled to experience. every individual can change my experience. i value each story. each name, each number. each sliver in my history of becoming who i am today, sitting here writing this for some level of self relief. extraction. hopefully it does something constructive. hopefully bodies entwined releases some real level of personal toxicity, so i can be less bitter, so i can be one with another and not this hard brick of an existing entity, not alone.

language just happened it was never planned

and its inadequate to describe where i am

with what emotion do i start the words on this page. imaginary. like the acid floating from with in me, must keep it in, keep it down. hold me down. i've been reading every vowel of fiction i can swallow, a quest for knowledge, a story to keep my attention, to let this dream go by faster. but slow it down now, must build myself to last, set up for success not failure, to live this life fully, still no idea what that means.

and its these late night ramblings that have me wound up and bent over, kneeling towards morning, seeing the sun come up, the first instinct of dawn come through these inadequate, insufficient, incapable window panes and i am awake with the sun, not ready for the day. the only gift i get. the best gift any of us can get.

my shoulders are achy and my tongue is burnt and sore, lips chapped past shot of redemption, parched and unable to sleep. always unable to sleep. the late night mind wanders past confines i can control. to what i will name you, nameless, now shapeless infinite little infant will rest in my arms and i will weep now, for the loss, the separation, of all of us, how i pray in the end we aren't really alone. an immaculate image projected from the blueprint, the divine reel that keeps spooling, keeps playing until the contrast is too small, until the known and unknown blend to the parched white page i started with, the beginning and end of it all. i admit i know nothing. i know nothing at all.

and i yearn, still, for something to bite down on. back molars positioned steadily on forearm flesh until i can pour out all of my anger for things listed above. head too heavy for neck. breath too heavy for throat to carry out properly, smoothly, a smoke exhale that i wont let myself inhale, too toxic.

why can't i sleep. i truly don't understand why i lie awake throwing myself around, never quite comfortable. never quite surrendered to the problems that take up my mind. problems i can't solve. that are un-solvable.

i don't know what i love. i don't even know that much anymore. i cut my cuticles until blood pours, accidentally. another accidental self-injury. i know i can recover. how am i still recovering. how long it takes for a wound to properly heal, seal over, until no bacteria can enter anymore. until we are safe from ourselves.

perhaps it is all too dramatic. we should handle this more like men. cowardly. i face it forward, honestly, as honest as i can. and maybe my words are hyperbole, but i know what helps me. i know what is a proper assist in making it through the walls in my brain, the membrane preventing me from sleep, my own fear of not having enough time to make it where i know i'm going, where i position my finger tips firmly into belief that i can arrive in one piece at my final destination knowing i did every last thing i could do to better this life, to better myself, to awakened and wake up at a proper hour feeling well, ready for this world, this weird world in front of me. in front of us.