the people i loved, the people i almost loved

day breaking

river rolling

i wish i was a morning person. i wish the alarm went off and i arose with ease. one dramatic stretch of the arms is all it would take to wake me. i love the way morning feels. the dew still remaining in the air from the mystery of night and its moist. its fresh. its something i normally sleep through.

i've been sick for a week. making me feel even more vulnerable and worn down than i do usually. i feel triple my age. the aching body of a 54 year old woman. as if i have experienced so much that every turn of the head hits my neck in the same place, as if i'm that old. where is the youth, i've felt this ache since i was 13. i never had a young feeling body. i've felt rickety for as long as i can remember.

i feel like im sitting in an empty bathtub and the water is filling up extremely slowly, one thin layer at a time and i'm cold and naked and the water is barely covering my ankles. and i have no idea why its filling so slowly and why i'm not warm. why the water won't just fill the basin and allow me to bathe. or vice versa, like im relaxing in a full perfect tub that suddenly begins to drain, slowly, and i can't stop the water from gradually seeping out, my energy, life force, the water, god only knows what it represents.

and i'm scattered, unsure of what i'm saying, unsure of what it is i want. depressed. monotonous. how every day manages to feel the same. sunrise. sunset. not quite sure what i'm searching for. what will fill this void. what is the void. i know i'm not going to find answers until i do some real looking. until i take few belongings on some kind of wild, self discovery journey. cliche. but i do need some time to know how i feel, my own personal answers to life un-answerable questions.

ah, i just wish i had faith in myself. isn't that where it always boils down to? that i will make it. that your promise will keep. that i will be taken care of. cradled from within. nursed back to childhood where my limbs feel connected effortlessly and the aching between my shoulder blades softens, my jawline, hard as a rock, returns to a relaxed, comfortable position. and i find you/it/the thing i need to not be such a wandering, loud, maniac. my own insanity. my own need for perfection. i'm turning into a swan. ok. maybe i'm not turning into a swan.

maybe it is all about human connection. a smile shared with a stranger. or strangers. i wonder why we can't have a story with everyone. there is no "one" for you. its the one you make right. the one out of thousands. i am all about second chances. trial and error. i will keep trying until i get this right. but why limit the possibilities. every match of the cosmos spectrum is a different make-up. every single possible human connection will spark a different outcome, one that i am entitled to experience. every individual can change my experience. i value each story. each name, each number. each sliver in my history of becoming who i am today, sitting here writing this for some level of self relief. extraction. hopefully it does something constructive. hopefully bodies entwined releases some real level of personal toxicity, so i can be less bitter, so i can be one with another and not this hard brick of an existing entity, not alone.