And They'll Be Laughing

Today my mom came in my room at 6 a.m. to let me know she was leaving for a conference. Why on earth she had to verbally communicate this, I do not know. She did, however, leave gluten free pancake batter and a pan out for me. Which was nice. She left before I was out of bed. It was odd having the house to myself at such an ungodly hour. I went to Coffee Bean on my way to school and the man behind the counter asked me, for the second time this month, how many "fingers" worth of soy milk I wanted in my coffee. 1, 2, or 3?

Today I missed the "don't come to school memo." My only friend who attended school today said to me, "I'm gonna vomit and then go home," and that was that.

Today everyone was bitching about sleep loss. Like, "oh, I didn't do the homework cause my sleeps all off," or like "I'm so tired cause of the time change," and I'm all..suck it up!!

Today I realized that I haven't done school work in at least a month. My Pre Calculus teacher actually laughed at how behind I was today. Laughed!

Today I bought Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on my way home. These small chocolate delights are actually my greatest enemy. They are sent by the Devil to bring me down. The high fructose corn syrup kills me slowly. Why I ate two of these delicious babies before starting my four hours of homework, I do not know.

So I wonder, how I can articulate more clearly that ALL I want to do is bake gluten free banana bread. Throw EVERYTHING I have to do off the table and measure out the ingredients because it is this that seems will bring me sanity. To use my hands and be in the process of something based on practicality. Something, perhaps more grounding than this fleeting, wandering plane I am currently occupying.

spring it did come slowly

So today we jump ahead an hour. To a little more daylight. I used to think, what is the big fuss about winter? I always notice how much the despair of winter is expressed in literature. I always wondered, why is winter so bad? For a while I assumed the modern man proceeded unaffected by the seasons. I concluded that in our virtual world we remained unaffected by the weather. But personally, the minute November rolls around and the days start getting shorter, so do my nails (as I proceed to bite them) and so does my sanity. Something about seeing less light sends me straight to this uneasy, weary ground. But now at 6 p.m. there will be daylight outside my window. And I find this remarkably refreshing.

I'm trying to see which direction this "blog" should head in. No one reads it but I feel I have so much to say. I could rant for hours, about the College Board, or college admissions, or the End of Senior Year and Leaving Home. Or about the Oscars and New York Times Bestsellers, or Technology, or Jersey Shore. Or Relationships and Breakups. Apparently I have funny things to say. I amuse my parents to no end. But lately, instead of paying attention to these topics, I spend my days listening to Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst and looking for Truth and Meaning so I bet half the shit I write here (like the blog title today) will be from his mouth, not mine. And during this quest for Meaning I fear I get further from it. I now have a twitter. And a tumblr. And a facebook. And a blogspot. Somewhere I still have a myspace. But I'm pretty sure signing up for these internet programs sends me further and further away from my life purpose. From anything of value.

Now I'm researching how to get my blogged "noticed" which seems absolutely ridiculous but hey, it's worth a try. One day people will want to know what I have to say

Until then..