spring it did come slowly

i guess it did it's part
my heart has thawed and continues to beat

the rhythm of a song i used to love plays through me and i am urged to write. to explain that i do not adore days this warm. the heat overwhelms me and slows down my pulse. lethargic. each step hard to take. and each dream is a fever, where i am not sure i will ever wake up. bizarre images flash before me posing as reality, and i believe it, in the moment, in the moment nothing feels as real.

and there is hope. in every baby born and every decision made. that maybe i will be better for it. that maybe all of this circular wandering will lead me to some solid ground. the breath of summer dances around me in a coreographed tease. it is not here yet. relief from the monotony of the school year. the alarm clock haze that i refuse to wake up to. that i roll over facing the blood red wall of this strange and suffocating room and refuse to face the day. five more minutes under this comforter. do not make me participate. i am too tired.

and i feel strangely adult. synical and jaded. corrupted. my skin no longer resiliant and my lungs heavy with smoke exhaled weeks ago. out of breath. out of shape. walking up a staircase unable to lift my legs to the next level. the level i need to get to.

and i am still on this strangely crafted search for perfection. for satisfaction. for cleaner lines and aesthetic wonder. that i know i can attain. the question is when. when will i realize that this ultimate search for exterior cleanliness will not be achieved until my insides match. until the discord within me begins to settle. the brain waves even out. the soul recovers.

my future exists without me and carries itself out. it is braver than i. it is the dream i have yet to discover. where i swallow my anxiety and walk onto the jet plane. up the isle and into my seat and confidently know that the only thing crashing is the trapped feeling i have had for four years now. that the only thing that will ram into the ground is my own inability to let go of the darkness in my self. that at that breathtakingly uncomfortable angle of take off position i will find the thing that truly bothers me. the demon beyond all mental comprehension. that will only be felt and released once i am suspended in the air. 30,000 feet above sea level and above my constrictions. i will be free.