so if i just exist for the next ten minutes of this ride

that would be fine

life makes more sense here. it's simple. wake up, or attempt to, awake finally, grogally, skip breakfast, bike, half asleep to class. where i learn, finally, about things that actually are of interest to me. the philosophy of love. history of film. acting, the mechanics, impersonation, harnessing talent and that which will mean something to me.

the world outside of class is a little more complicated. being away, taking care of myself, learning how to not be a colossally big baby. for the most part, i'm doing a good job of making my bed and practicing the ways of being adult, perhaps, too old to be a college student. indifferent to binge drinking and getting high, although numbing and temporarily distracting, they do not provide enough comfort and in the long run, feed my anxiety, inability to sleep at night, and self-loathing natures.

i just can't quite seem to figure out what is worth caring about. i know its not football, or expensive sunglasses (although i'm impatiently awaiting mine to arrive in the mail). i think it might be health, not destroying my lungs, and seeing things from new perspective, head-tilted, i will attempt to be a better person, less narrow, less confined to myself, more interested in what the wide world has to offer.

and of course, behind it all, is my more-than-frustruated, fed-up disgust with still being in los angeles california. where the people are the same and the weather never does change. i'm sick of the sunshine, the 76 degree, smog, thick pollution of downtown la. something tells me, this is not where i belong. i pray for nature, a fallen leaf and a bite in the air that provides significance. something to rely on, look forward too. i'm sure i'll find my place here, until then, i'll be using my new found addiction stumbleupon and drinking diet coke, my preferred, slower, less violent suicide.

i miss my best friends. home isn't too far away but those i love most are. i miss the past, my wonderful, held-breath summer, and the promises it held but failed to deliver. i continue to make reason out of dead memories, nail-biting mistakes and ever existent error. i continue to apologize, curse my impulses and put my money on personal development, doing it better next time

, next time.