at least it's been raining, i must reason. at least i can feel a drop off fall and have an excuse to wear fleece. but i wish it was colder. i wish i was in new york city. i wish i was far away from here. i wish the people here were more like me.
it's funny feeling like an outsider. i've always thought my self to be socially fluid and adaptive. like i could put on a tank top and a french manicure and fit right in. but my oddities are sticking out like blood stains and they know i am different. i cannot help but express the electrically bizarre currents that run through my brain and manifest into funny faces, fast talking and plainly being myself. and i do not want to apologize, for being me, for not fitting their bill of polished existence.
october is always a challenge. close to november, close to something more tender and valuable, but still weening off the bitch of september, the back to school nausea, the carpal tunnel, late night tension, no solutions.
i cannot fathom how i feel so desperately lonely. like everything that ever meant something has disappeared into the past, onto airplanes with packed bags and a mind stripped of memory. leaving me behind. in the suffocation of my own anxious delusion. in all my fears. trapped in this little tiffany blue box of materialistic seduction distancing myself from the meaning i want so badly to find. it's not here, that i know, my existence isn't justified among smirnoff ice, hell i don't even care to drink anymore. drink myself further into my depression? numb myself more until i truly can't even feel a thing? until this all means absolutely nothing and i can retreat into my faux-down comforter and occupy that space permanently, sealed tightly into comfort, where i have a container as plush and lush as i could ever desire. maybe then i'll be whole.
maybe then i wouldn't feel the glass housed sadness. the blatant vulnerability. the solid exterior but the ever collapsing, self-doubting ever-critical interior. the poor design. too obvious i'm in dire need of some rearrangement, some out-of-here realization and experience so i can feel that maybe i am living life. and that this life is good. that there is a vision i have for what is in perfect accordance with the universe. that i will fulfill the silhouette that looms above my mind and the picture will come into focus, and i'll just have to step into the frame.
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