thirsty

but your appetite gets chased away

october's air is far more pleasant. in the morning mist lies relief from the overbearing california sun. more relief comes with accumulative strength. with each step i begin to feel better. more comfortable in my healing, less scarred skin. engaged abdominals. learning how to live this life with clearer intentions.

i am escaping a debilitating depression. and as i crawl out of this dank, dark hole i am blinded by the light. i fear it. with two hands pressed firmly at the opening i do my best to hoist myself up and begin to climb out without getting weighed back down. without a brick on my chest it is easier to make decisions, easier to say no to what will damage me, what will set me back and prevent me from reaching a euphonic rhythm. the gray outlined figure i am trying to color in. to become a part of a life long projection of wants and wishes. to eliminate materialism and lack of depth in that vision. to see it for its core and ignore the amenities.

i am doing my best to adhere to my first instincts. to practice what i preach. ever confident in each word of advice but seldom act upon my own values. take each let down with a grain of salt. knowing very well there are greater things in this cosmic construction than i could ever foresee. a myriad of miraculous possibilities that exist not in my mental capacity. the drive to achieve a blissful state where mind is eliminated. meditate. concentrate. find a way to make this work. find a way to put out the cigarette and see daylight more clearly. to cough up every ounce of toxins from my lungs, my blood, and stand up straight in facing my fate that will deliver me from evil. deliver me to infinity. to the grandest most specific dream anyone could ever have. a dream too big to hold in my own hands. my open wounded cuticles. how they are starved from moisture. how i am starving but never do seem to fill myself up. looking for nourishment in other sources. do not give me food give me something of truer substance. something i can sink my teeth into and bite down on with all of my will, something psychologically digestible. satiating and fulfilling. a gratification i have yet to find. something that can overcome me, become me, something i can become.