so why is he standing in his own back yard

crying out

at least it's been raining, i must reason. at least i can feel a drop off fall and have an excuse to wear fleece. but i wish it was colder. i wish i was in new york city. i wish i was far away from here. i wish the people here were more like me.

it's funny feeling like an outsider. i've always thought my self to be socially fluid and adaptive. like i could put on a tank top and a french manicure and fit right in. but my oddities are sticking out like blood stains and they know i am different. i cannot help but express the electrically bizarre currents that run through my brain and manifest into funny faces, fast talking and plainly being myself. and i do not want to apologize, for being me, for not fitting their bill of polished existence.

october is always a challenge. close to november, close to something more tender and valuable, but still weening off the bitch of september, the back to school nausea, the carpal tunnel, late night tension, no solutions.

i cannot fathom how i feel so desperately lonely. like everything that ever meant something has disappeared into the past, onto airplanes with packed bags and a mind stripped of memory. leaving me behind. in the suffocation of my own anxious delusion. in all my fears. trapped in this little tiffany blue box of materialistic seduction distancing myself from the meaning i want so badly to find. it's not here, that i know, my existence isn't justified among smirnoff ice, hell i don't even care to drink anymore. drink myself further into my depression? numb myself more until i truly can't even feel a thing? until this all means absolutely nothing and i can retreat into my faux-down comforter and occupy that space permanently, sealed tightly into comfort, where i have a container as plush and lush as i could ever desire. maybe then i'll be whole.

maybe then i wouldn't feel the glass housed sadness. the blatant vulnerability. the solid exterior but the ever collapsing, self-doubting ever-critical interior. the poor design. too obvious i'm in dire need of some rearrangement, some out-of-here realization and experience so i can feel that maybe i am living life. and that this life is good. that there is a vision i have for what is in perfect accordance with the universe. that i will fulfill the silhouette that looms above my mind and the picture will come into focus, and i'll just have to step into the frame.

the social network

instead of attending this saturday's football game, i went to go see the movie i promised myself i wouldn't. it was the only thing remotely relevant playing at the sketch theatre across campus and i thought i'd give it a chance.

initially, i vowed not to see it because it felt awkwardly premature. like those films that came out right after 9/11 that made everyone extremely uncomfortable. not to compare the history and existence of facebook with the tragedy of september 11, but the vibe remained similar.

after paying only 5 dollars for the movie (student ticket) i leave the theatre surprised and impressed. the plot was compelling, well-sustained and well written. subtle humor but ever-present attention grabbing dialogue. and, the acting was actually good. which takes a lot for me to say. the characters were more than believable, and consistent throughout the film.

as embarassed i was that a movie about facebook was coming out, it took seeing it to understand its important to hear the story behind the vessel that is so imperative in our lives. one in fourteen people on the GLOBE uses facebook. as sick as it is, i don't know what things would be like without facebook, remember when it took off exponentially and feel almost, weirdly inspired by Zuckerberg's story, the notion of invention, doing things differently, innovation and a chance to start something new, something infectious and overpowering, needed and well-receieved.

overall grade: A-

so if i just exist for the next ten minutes of this ride

that would be fine

life makes more sense here. it's simple. wake up, or attempt to, awake finally, grogally, skip breakfast, bike, half asleep to class. where i learn, finally, about things that actually are of interest to me. the philosophy of love. history of film. acting, the mechanics, impersonation, harnessing talent and that which will mean something to me.

the world outside of class is a little more complicated. being away, taking care of myself, learning how to not be a colossally big baby. for the most part, i'm doing a good job of making my bed and practicing the ways of being adult, perhaps, too old to be a college student. indifferent to binge drinking and getting high, although numbing and temporarily distracting, they do not provide enough comfort and in the long run, feed my anxiety, inability to sleep at night, and self-loathing natures.

i just can't quite seem to figure out what is worth caring about. i know its not football, or expensive sunglasses (although i'm impatiently awaiting mine to arrive in the mail). i think it might be health, not destroying my lungs, and seeing things from new perspective, head-tilted, i will attempt to be a better person, less narrow, less confined to myself, more interested in what the wide world has to offer.

and of course, behind it all, is my more-than-frustruated, fed-up disgust with still being in los angeles california. where the people are the same and the weather never does change. i'm sick of the sunshine, the 76 degree, smog, thick pollution of downtown la. something tells me, this is not where i belong. i pray for nature, a fallen leaf and a bite in the air that provides significance. something to rely on, look forward too. i'm sure i'll find my place here, until then, i'll be using my new found addiction stumbleupon and drinking diet coke, my preferred, slower, less violent suicide.

i miss my best friends. home isn't too far away but those i love most are. i miss the past, my wonderful, held-breath summer, and the promises it held but failed to deliver. i continue to make reason out of dead memories, nail-biting mistakes and ever existent error. i continue to apologize, curse my impulses and put my money on personal development, doing it better next time

, next time.

i hope there’s some room still in the middle

summer begins to wane after the initial very strong and overwhelming swell. the heat never hit too strongly and now i find myself with little time left to tie loose ends, close chapters and write up my summaries. i'm trying hard not forget the annotations, the footnotes, the margin scribbles we discussed. driving 42 miles per hour shouting, incredulous,

i continue to wonder what exactly it is all about, each day blends into the next and i do not know where i stand.

my friend sam takes beautiful pictures. he spent part of his summer on an island called nantucket, his photos remind me of what seems to hold meaning in life, raw, honest footage, to me he captured an essence:

i regret spending my summer trapped in LA as i knew i would. i do not have photos of my own like those above to show. i've made some emotional developments, purchased a smart phone and cleaned up only to re dirty my room a few times. every day i check on my rabbit who is still (miraculously) alive and try to spend these last weeks making amends and paving over all these little pot holes that still stick out in my memory, and more importantly, forgiving myself.

ahead of me awaits some land of promise, "college," where "things will be different," and i "can start all over" yet i am increasingly afraid of bringing the past with me, showing up on campus with my bags packed to the brim with my anxiety, clothes i should've thrown out, and bad habits i just can't seem to quit.

but perhaps, things will be different. i will make a bulletin board with pictures of friends and good memories i still do not want to forget. it is a big adventure, no matter how close to home you insist on saying i'm staying, it will be something i cannot expect.

Try To Find Some Source of Light

I can't believe it is July. Half a year since we rang in the new year. And now summer. Though it is gloomy and misty outside.

I've been doing the best I can, it's been two months since I went to Ojai, the photo on the left is the view from my dome. Ojai was five days of magic, the most needed respite from this city and into a lush and secret nirvana. I must try to remember what it was like.

My therapist keeps asking me "what makes me feel

better," and it really pisses me off. Why? Because the answer is either nothing or an honest I don't know. Friends? Reese's Peanut Butter Cups? All things miniature? Coming home to Edward and Jacob waiting for me?

I just really hope something good is waiting around the corner for me. It seems like its just been six months of torment, of disappointment and gut wrenching anxiety. Perhaps I could find an app on my iPhone 4 for that.

And They'll Be Laughing

Today my mom came in my room at 6 a.m. to let me know she was leaving for a conference. Why on earth she had to verbally communicate this, I do not know. She did, however, leave gluten free pancake batter and a pan out for me. Which was nice. She left before I was out of bed. It was odd having the house to myself at such an ungodly hour. I went to Coffee Bean on my way to school and the man behind the counter asked me, for the second time this month, how many "fingers" worth of soy milk I wanted in my coffee. 1, 2, or 3?

Today I missed the "don't come to school memo." My only friend who attended school today said to me, "I'm gonna vomit and then go home," and that was that.

Today everyone was bitching about sleep loss. Like, "oh, I didn't do the homework cause my sleeps all off," or like "I'm so tired cause of the time change," and I'm all..suck it up!!

Today I realized that I haven't done school work in at least a month. My Pre Calculus teacher actually laughed at how behind I was today. Laughed!

Today I bought Reese's Peanut Butter Cups on my way home. These small chocolate delights are actually my greatest enemy. They are sent by the Devil to bring me down. The high fructose corn syrup kills me slowly. Why I ate two of these delicious babies before starting my four hours of homework, I do not know.

So I wonder, how I can articulate more clearly that ALL I want to do is bake gluten free banana bread. Throw EVERYTHING I have to do off the table and measure out the ingredients because it is this that seems will bring me sanity. To use my hands and be in the process of something based on practicality. Something, perhaps more grounding than this fleeting, wandering plane I am currently occupying.

spring it did come slowly

So today we jump ahead an hour. To a little more daylight. I used to think, what is the big fuss about winter? I always notice how much the despair of winter is expressed in literature. I always wondered, why is winter so bad? For a while I assumed the modern man proceeded unaffected by the seasons. I concluded that in our virtual world we remained unaffected by the weather. But personally, the minute November rolls around and the days start getting shorter, so do my nails (as I proceed to bite them) and so does my sanity. Something about seeing less light sends me straight to this uneasy, weary ground. But now at 6 p.m. there will be daylight outside my window. And I find this remarkably refreshing.

I'm trying to see which direction this "blog" should head in. No one reads it but I feel I have so much to say. I could rant for hours, about the College Board, or college admissions, or the End of Senior Year and Leaving Home. Or about the Oscars and New York Times Bestsellers, or Technology, or Jersey Shore. Or Relationships and Breakups. Apparently I have funny things to say. I amuse my parents to no end. But lately, instead of paying attention to these topics, I spend my days listening to Bright Eyes and Conor Oberst and looking for Truth and Meaning so I bet half the shit I write here (like the blog title today) will be from his mouth, not mine. And during this quest for Meaning I fear I get further from it. I now have a twitter. And a tumblr. And a facebook. And a blogspot. Somewhere I still have a myspace. But I'm pretty sure signing up for these internet programs sends me further and further away from my life purpose. From anything of value.

Now I'm researching how to get my blogged "noticed" which seems absolutely ridiculous but hey, it's worth a try. One day people will want to know what I have to say

Until then..